Arch Manning is Eric “Otter” Stratton: the famous face out front, trying to look composed while the whole house makes news behind him. Colin Simmons is Bluto Blutarsky with a pass rush. Steve Sarkisian is standing in the doorway like Hoover trying to reign in the deltas in whatever clumsy way he can conjure up.
First came the awkward exchange between Sark and Holly Rowe after the Ohio State game. Then an AI-generated video falsely depicted Sark slapping Rowe, and Arch called it “hilarious” before apologizing to her. Sark acknowledged he could have handled the original exchange with more patience. Arch’s apology was the right move. It was a messy sequence for a program accustomed to looking polished.
Then Texas assistant Johnny Nansen was arrested and charged with misdemeanor DWI. That’s serious, and it deserves to be treated seriously. Texas suspended him for a game. Add it to the other headlines, though, and you can understand why people are asking what’s happening around this team.
Sark knows what it’s like to have his own conduct become the story. His time as USC’s head coach ended amid alcohol-related issues, and he has spoken about rebuilding his life and career since. That history doesn’t make him responsible for another adult’s decisions. It does mean he knows firsthand how much leadership matters when the questions extend beyond football.
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Because, yes, that was a penalty announced during Texas’s win at Tennessee. Simmons celebrated by pretending to relieve himself, and the referee delivered that call with the solemnity of a man reading a parking ordinance.
Simulation of using the restroom.
I want to know whether the officials rehearse that one during the week. I giggled. After all, I am Chris Childers, and it’s well known I love me some potty humor.
Meanwhile, Texas keeps winning. The Longhorns are 4–0, with victories over Ohio State and Tennessee, but they don’t exactly look like a machine. They look like the Deltas trying to compose themselves at the Dexter Lake Club while Otis Day and the Knights play in the background. There’s tremendous talent in the room. Whether everybody is on the same page is another matter.
Where is Fawn Leibowitz when you need her?
Simmons was a one-man wrecking crew against Tennessee, which brings me to a confession: I took an unreasonable amount of joy in watching a Glenn Elarbee-coached offensive line struggle.
Glenn and I went to MTSU at the same time. Once, at La Siesta near campus, he tried to hit on my girlfriend Regina while we were dating. I have disliked him ever since. Is that petty? Yes. Was it a very long time ago? Also yes. Have I worked through it? Apparently not.
Frankly, I’m surprised Regina didn’t go for him. Glenn was a big, strong football man. I was a little radio chach inhaling complimentary chips. For all I know, she considered it and decided the queso was better company than either of us.
I did feel bad for Tennessee quarterback Faizon Brandon. Simmons was coming after him like Brandon had personally gotten the Delta house expelled. My sympathy for Elarbee, however, lasted about three plays.
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So, does Texas have a character problem? I don’t know these players well enough to pronounce judgment on the whole locker room. I do know the last few weeks have been messy, and “we won” doesn’t make every headline disappear.
The football question is simpler. Arch has been okay. The offense hasn’t looked special. The defense has. If Texas wins a national title, right now I’d bet on Simmons and that defense being the reason.
Nick Saban’s best Alabama teams felt like the Omegas: pressed shirts, perfect posture, and somebody checking attendance with a clipboard. These Longhorns feel more like Pinto and Flounder. They may still end the movie holding the trophy. But first Sark has to get the house through the semester.
How do you feel about where the Longhorns are headed this year? Leave a comment.